Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
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