Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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