I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
