everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Terrible idea I love it
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
