I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
