Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
