Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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