When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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