My hair reeks of homosexuality.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
