I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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