I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Randomize
