Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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