dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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