there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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