Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
