Tell her she can't have a vagina
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
