My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I still have a little drunk in my system
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