watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
