i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize