Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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