If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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