No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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