im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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