Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
