I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
