my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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