did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
