he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
