He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Randomize
