why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
