i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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