There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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