Have you finally orgasmed yet?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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