Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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