She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
