You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
