I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
