and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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