I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
