Farmville is her only friend.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
he fucked my hip out of place.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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