Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
