If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
