I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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