ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
If its not for food we ain't going out.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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