my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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