I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Randomize