My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize