U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
