Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
