She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
FUCK WHALES
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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