ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
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