im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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