I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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