Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
