you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
