Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
