I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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