I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
