I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
