he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Be still, my beating vagina.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
