I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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