Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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