well I can't set my house on fire every night
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize