He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
