he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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