My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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