i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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