im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
ttyl tear gas
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
