i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
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