if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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